When I had to work for a living, before I took this cushy gig, I was considered something of a germophobe by my co-workers. The label was a little unfair, it wasn’t so much that I was afraid of germs, I just hated getting sick.
My phobia is justified. When I get a cold, the congestion often lasts for many weeks afterwards with a really deep cough that sometimes startles folks. When they ask how long I have left, I explain it’s the effects of many vulnerable years spent crammed in the backseat of an airtight car while my parents puffed away like Philip Morris executives. (I’ve looked into it — I can’t sue.) So, I take great pains to avoid getting a cold in the first place.
But my condition made me an easy target for office ridicule. For years I had a can of Lysol disinfectant spray sitting on my desk.It was kept there year-round and I wasn’t afraid to use it.
If some sniffling snotty-talker came to my office door threatening the germ-free sanctity I believed I was entitled to, I’d throw up a lemon-scented aerosol wall before they could even utter, "Brian, there’s cake in the fridge." (My co-workers weren’t all bad — they were mostly women and often brought cake.)
I like to think my tactic succeeded in immobilizing some of the vile contagion but it had another purpose too. Like bear spray, Lysol was my humane defence against the busybody martyrs who insisted on coming to work when they were sick.And it worked.
As they retreated down the hall, hurling expletives back at me, I’d smugly counter with something like,
"Come back when you can breathe through your nose, Typhoid Mary."
It was all in fun — really, they got a kick out of getting dosed with Lysol — but the joke was rooted in the fact that people should stay home when they’re ill.
The absurd thing is, many employers encourage the spread of illness throughout the workplace by not offering sick days.
I’m hoping the current flu hysteria will have a lasting benefit in how employers manage their businesses. I admit, when I lived in Vancouver I used the odd sick day for a sunny winter powder morning on the local slopes. But those days are such a rare gift that if that’s what keeps your employee happy and productive, it’s a small price. And it’s not just your employees you should be concerned about — think about your customers.
Nowadays I work from home — alone and blissfully germ-free. But sometimes I have to go out and that’s when my condition starts to creep back.
It might be the stuffed-up barista pouring my latte or the red-eyed clerk at the grocer, but all of a sudden I’m back in my old office with no escape from the barrage of zombie-faced sick people.
And you’ll know you’re one of them as you stand there rubbing your stinging eyes, wondering what was in that aeorosol can I just whipped out of my coat.
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