By Brian Lee
Most of the press releases I get are no more than hastily prepared e-mails telling of a local event deserving of some recognition or promotion.
Sometimes they’re legit and sometimes they’re from a business soliciting free advertising by pitching a story about a bird that made its nest right in front of their prominent business sign — photo included. Writing press releases is a bit of an art form, and like any art pursuit, you get varying degrees of sophistication and quality.
Surprisingly, some of the worst I encounter are from the provincial NDP.
They almost always come accompanied with a headline like "Gordon Campbell’s Liberals Have Abandoned Children" and sound like they were written by a first-week intern. So most I immediately trash.
But then today I was sitting at my desk writing about loggers and such when my e-mail dinged. I glanced at it and was instantly chilled.
It was a bulletin from God.
I was actually a little confused at first because the headline read,
"The Gulf Oil Disaster: Jesus warns America it is going to get much worse."
I don’t accept unsolicited press releases from bosses’ kids so I was about to file it with the rest of the junk mail when I caught this:
"Rise up, oh blessed daughter of Mine! For, I am your Father Yahweh, yea Jehovah, Most High God, King of Kings, and the Only Saviour!"
It was a press release from God. Actually it was sent by someone named Linda Newkirk who "witnessed, dictated and recorded" God’s word and e-mailed it for him.
God’s old school — he dictates.
God said He was mightily vexed at the "whoremongerers" and "fornicators" of the Gulf Coast and it was He who blew up the oil rig as a warning to repent.
"I, Yahweh, yea Jehovah, Most High God, set My sights upon it, I set My determination upon it; and I brought it to pass!"
I’m sure it’s something that has BP’s Tony Hayward breathing a sign of relief as he reads this but it seemed a trifle boastful. And He used really strong language.
"Woe, woe, woe to you, oh America, the slut of the world! Woe to you pornographers; for if you will not repent, you will burn in the fiery chastisements!"
Out of character, I thought, for the New Testament God. And he kind of belaboured his point and, though I don’t think I should be the one to counsel God how to write... er, dictate a press release, it was gassy and repetitive.
"Woe, woe, woe to you mockers and scorners; for if you will not repent of this great evil, your soul will languish in the flames of correction for a very long time!"
But despite the mind numbing repetition and poor grammar, you couldn’t argue with the scale of calamity about to befall the southern U.S. But my pity for the "small people" was diluted with the thought that it serves them right — I mean, why don’t they just do what He asks?
Repent already.
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